It Comes In Waves

It comes in waves. 

Tonight, I was cooking dinner when my husband pulled out my mandolin. It hadn’t been played in years. My son had never seen anything like it before and was intrigued by it. He began asking a million questions which was to be expected from his four-year-old, ever curious state of mind. Now, my husband has quite the guitar collection, so it’s no wonder our son’s questions were directed to my husband…after all he is the known musician in our family. I heard the hesitancy in my husband’s voice when he kept answering with “well this is mommy’s mandolin, or this is mommy and daddy’s mandolin.” 

It felt strange to hear the hesitancy and unfamiliarity in his voice. I looked up from chopping the carrots to say, “it’s ok, you can say it’s just yours. I don’t use it anymore” 

Wave of grief. 

I began to feel so raw. The tears started streaming down my face and it was not because I started in on cutting the onions. I realized I purchased that guitar on what would have been our angel baby’s due date. It’s been almost five years since that day. I thought I had worked through the grief of my losses. I have two beautiful babies here in my arms, I had no reason to be sad….and yet, another wave. 

Grief isn’t linear it’s a cycle. Sometimes you are bargaining, sometimes you are at acceptance and then another wave comes, and you are in sadness or anger. See all your parts as you move through your grief. Sit with all your feelings. Have grace for yourself. What you resist will persist so feel it to heal it…

Because…It comes in waves.